Lost on Earth

Allow me to rant for just one more minute. Certainly this will not be the last of my complaints against the American female urge to glorify herself through the wedding ceremony – it was a positive feast for my sarcastic appetite, but out of respect to mainly my new family I refrained from writing about the horrors that I saw during the planning of my wedding.

One such horror, however, was a certain wedding website that I visited while I was living in Thailand, sweating in a crowded internet café, trying to figure out how to plan an event from thousands of miles away. Because weddings are distasteful to me, I had the distinct feeling that I was selling off a bit of my soul by registering for said wedding website, but I had no choice. They wouldn’t let me scout out locations and dress designs without an account.

Throughout the course of my engagement they pestered me with “50% off bridesmaid gifts!” and pre-“your big day pampering tips” for local spas and salons. I took it all in stride – I had provided them with my occasionally checked spam email address in anticipation of their not-so-underhanded tactics. I even looked at their tacky products once for a laugh: “Bride to Be” T-shirts and pink flasks. How original!

The wedding day came and went and we zipped off to our honeymoon - despite the fact that my overly-zealous new husband bought me a ticket with the wrong last name since I didn’t change it in the 12 hours between our ceremony and the flight out of town. When I returned from my honeymoon there was an email waiting for me in my spam account: babyshop.com (name is fictional). I was furious. I wrote them a letter:

Please stop insulting me with this crap. Just because I got married doesn’t

mean I am going to start reproducing like a 19-year old from the mid-West.

My wedding is over. I didn't order any of your chintzy bridesmaid gifts,
now leave me alone.

Sorry, I know the reference to the mid-West was incorrect and rude. It was a stretch. At 5 p.m. on a Saturday, waiting for The Spouse to return from work, I was short on analogies.