Lost on Earth

This morning, despite the fact that this has happened to me before, I put on my orange t-shirt without checking it first. After pulling the fabric over my head and turning to find my shoes I felt the familiar burning, pricking sensation under the folds of shirt on my stomach, back, shoulders, arms. ANTS! Believe me; I am not kidding about this, the ants only live in my orange colored clothes. How do I know this is true? How can I prove it? Last month I sent some clothes off to the laundry, including my yellow shirt – and I expected to receive a yellow shirt in return, but by some misfortune when it came back, clean, it was also a lovely shade of tangerine. Ants, who had never given my yellow shirt a second glance took up residence in my newly died “orange shirt”. Now, I not only have three orange shirts instead of two, but I have unwittingly given free housing to my insect nemeses. They lurk in my closet despite the number of times I have sprayed clouds of insect poison into their orange homes. The happy color that I once sought out on department store clothing racks is now becoming my least favorite.
Every bad circumstance is only a circuitous pathway towards something positive; if you look hard enough at your own problems you can see how they cause you to become a better person. I never had any sympathy for my poor Meme living in Westport, Washington, who for years went out into battle against the ants every morning and scolded us grandchildren for leaving crumbs on the kitchen counter. The only safe haven from ants in her kitchen was the oven and the refrigerator, neither of which I have in my apartment. Maybe it is not the color orange that the ants are really interested in but in fact they are most excited to plague the spawn of the Cloutier family. In any case, Meme, I salute you!